After I reached puberty, I spent the next twenty-plus years fighting against the reality of my attraction to members of my own gender. For ALL of those years, if I had had any choice in the matter, I would have chosen to be on the heterosexual team. I felt ashamed of myself. I prayed EVERY day for God to take away my thorn in the flesh - to heal me - to make me whole, but my prayers did not result in any change in my sexual orientation. Nevertheless, I was determined to do the "right thing" - to be what God expected me to be - to not succumb to temptation and "sin."
I endured the alienation and isolation my "condition" engendered and forced my eyes to turn away from the people who pleased them. There wasn't any dating or acting on my feelings. I eschewed close relationships with my peers and obsessively read my Bible. I NEVER acted on my feelings. Later, while in college, I dated and eventually married a kind and attractive young lady. "Isn't this what I'm supposed to do?" I thought. "Isn't this what God expects me to do?" We welcomed two beautiful daughters into the world, and I rejoiced and thanked God that he had allowed me to be a father. I loved my wife and my daughters, but that wasn't enough. Although I was physically faithful to my wife, those thoughts and feelings kept intruding into my consciousness. Eventually, my marriage collapsed under the weight of my own secret reality.
After my marriage ended, I finally allowed myself to experience an intimate relationship with another man. It felt natural and satisfying, but I didn't like the names and looks that were directed at us. I hated that other people expected me to "come out of the closet" and proclaim my homosexuality to the world. Eventually, I ended my relationship and resumed living with my ex and devoted myself to co-parenting and providing a stable home for my children. I had loved the man, but I could not make it fit with my faith, conscience, and other responsibilities. Looking back, I had many opportunities to accept myself and my own nature, but I didn't arrive at that place till many years thereafter.
Like many other homosexuals, I have experienced the shame and alienation of my disposition. Fortunately, I have finally also experienced coming to terms with my sexual orientation. Like my heterosexual counterparts, there was no choice to make. There was never a time when I decided that pecs were more attractive than breasts - that men were more desirable than women. Like my eye-color, I didn't have any choice in the matter. I was gay, and I would always be gay. I was the person whom God had created me to be. How could I be ashamed of that?
My thoughts drifted back to the story of creation and the Garden of Eden. God had created humankind (male and female) in "his" image and had pronounced them to be "very good." He had demonstrated that only another human would make a suitable companion for another human, and that sexual relationships among humans would serve much more than just the reproduction of the species. I remembered too that I had read that "the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." Indeed, it wasn't until after the couple had consumed the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil that they became aware of their own nakedness and felt the need to cover themselves. I realized that we (humans) have attached shamefulness to our bodies and its functions! There is love, joy, and thankfulness; and there is hatred, fear, and shame. Some of us have finally embraced the former, and some of us are still prisoners of the latter. What do you think - shame or pride?
No comments:
Post a Comment