Forgiveness

In the Gospel of Luke, we are informed that Christ told his disciples: "If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.” (Luke 17:3-4) But what do we do when the person doesn't repent and/or never asks us for forgiveness?

In the Gospel of Matthew, we are told that Peter asked Christ about how often a person should forgive someone who sins against us (Matthew 18:21). Apparently, Peter was feeling generous and suggested seven times might be an appropriate limit on forgiveness. Christ, however, replied "No, not seven times, but seventy times seven!" (verse 22) He then went on to underscore the importance of forgiveness with a parable that was meant to put some proper perspective on the ability and willingness of his followers to forgive each other. According to this account, Jesus said: "Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full." (Matthew 18:23-30) Christ concluded his parable with this warning to his followers: "Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.” (verses 32-35)

By reminding his followers that his death would effect/accomplish the forgiveness of all of their sins, he also suggested that anything which they would have to forgive in each other would be insignificant by comparison. Hence, while repentance and asking for forgiveness are certainly important components of the process of forgiveness from a Scriptural perspective, it is also clear that Christ felt that finding a way to let go of our feelings of bitterness, resentment and revenge because of the injustices which we have suffered at each other's hands was a very important principle for those who would profess to follow him. In other words, these Scriptures strongly imply that the person doing the forgiving is the real beneficiary of the process!

This truism is consistent with what modern professionals tell us about the benefits of forgiveness to our individual mental health. Indeed, according to the Mayo Clinic: "Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:

Healthier relationships

Improved mental health

Less anxiety, stress and hostility

Lower blood pressure

Fewer symptoms of depression

A stronger immune system

Improved heart health

Improved self-esteem" (see Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness)

In similar fashion, the Mayo Clinic staff informs us that being unforgiving can:

"Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience

Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present

Become depressed or anxious

Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs

Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others" (same article)

In other words, forgiveness clearly benefits the person doing the forgiving!

Without going into detail, I can say that recent events in my own life have forced me to once again wrestle with the issue of forgiveness, and I have had to personally confront that question I asked at the beginning: What do you do when the person hasn't repented or asked for forgiveness? Indeed, what do you do when you know that will NEVER happen? For me, this is where the realization that forgiveness is more about me than it is about the other person proved to be crucial to my moving forward. I had to learn anew that forgiveness is NOT synonymous with reconciliation (unfortunately, that is very often NOT possible). Likewise, forgiveness is NOT synonymous with getting the other person to change or correct the behavior which caused you so much sorrow/grief/anger. In short, I had to remind myself that forgiveness was about me moving on and letting go of the hurt and resentment. Thus, by forgiving the person who "sinned" against me, I can focus on the positive - the love and good memories associated with that person. And, I don't have to wallow in self-pity and play the victim for the rest of my life. In other words, their "sins" no longer have any power over me! Truly, Godly forgiveness can bring us peace and restore our joy!